From The Desk of Maverick Brenton.
Subject: Campfire Thoughts.
The night was cold and the sky was very dark.
A savage wind was blowing through the mountains and it stung our faces as we huddle around the little campfire.
Not a sound could be heard other than the wind blowing through the big tree’s, the crackle of our fire and the laughter that came out of us.
That fire was enchanting.
We sat there in the freezing cold and watched the flames lick the air and the logs crackle and pop.
It was very wonderful and the fire provided the only source of light other than the moon who was hiding behind thin clouds.
It also kept us warm on this very cold night and we huddled up next to it as closely as we could without getting burnt and it was very welcoming and it fought off that cold wind that wanted to take us away with it.
It was my 21st birthday and I had been fired from my job the previous day for hitting on girls at work.
Now I was sitting around the fire with my two closest friends, smoking a cigar, drinking warm whiskey and trying to figure out what the fuck I was mean’t to do once I went back to where I was living.
Nobody knew what happened other than the two guys sitting next to me – I didn’t want anyone else to know.
I’ve always been rather inclined to silence when it comes to what I am trying to achieve, along with what I have fucked up.
It’s just easier when nobody knows anything.
You free your mind up to figure things out for yourself and it keeps everyone else’s nose out of where it shouldn’t be.
My good friends and I would talk for some time, then we would fall into a deep silence as we watched the fire burn away into the night while we listened to the wind howl in our frozen ears.
Nobody felt the need to talk – we all knew each other very well.
One of those guys was my brother and the other was a friend of over ten years.
As I sat there gazing into the fire on my 21st birthday, drinking my warm whiskey - I thought about many things.
I thought about the mistakes I had made that led up to me getting fired.
I thought about how foolish I had been.
My ego had blinded me - it blinded me to reality.
I started to think I was more than I really was.
The ego is your only real enemy.
You can beat it down and beat it down.
But..
As soon as you take your foot off it’s neck it will be back up and at you again.
Strangely though, as I sat there around the fire – I was not worried nor scared nor bothered by losing my job.
To be honest..
I felt free.
I had the strangest sensation of freedom come over me.
It was the best feeling.
I had not felt this feeling for a very long time.
Earlier that day as I walked along the rocks next to a big lake - I shared this feeling with my brother.
We discussed it.
We questioned it.
But.
We both missed what the feeling really mean’t.
Sitting around the fire later that night, I still missed what it meant.
There was a voice within that I could hear now - a voice that wanted me to do one thing.
It wanted me to listen and get back on my true path.
You see..
Getting fired wasn’t such a bad thing.
I learnt many lessons from that.
It made me aware of how dangerous the ego can be.
More importantly though…
It set off a series of events that eventually led me to getting back on my true path.
I couldn’t see it at the time but that is exactly what was happening.
That feeling that was inside me.
That sense of freedom.
I should have listened to it then, but I didn’t listen to it.
I went back to doing what I really didn’t want to be doing.
To be honest…
I was quite happy to be free of that job.
It was not what I truly wanted to be doing and I knew I didn’t belong in that field – yet I stayed doing it because I had convinced myself that it was very important.
I forgot who I was.
I really did.
That sense of freedom I felt once I was fired…
That was me remembering who I was just a little.
Maybe I wanted to get fired?
It’s hard to say.
But..
The freedom didn’t last very long because I went back to doing the same work with another company no less than a week later.
So..
I missed the truth as I sat around that fire.
I thought I had things figured out..
I thought I was smart..
But..
I was honestly just running from who I truly was and it would take more pain and more suffering for me to finally see what the universe was trying to tell me.
Sometimes life has to punch you in the mouth before you finally listen.
Destiny was calling me as I sat around the fire that night.
Destiny was calling me from deep within.
She knew exactly what I was mean’t to be doing.
She wanted to tell me so badly and I could hear her soft voice just under the surface.
But..
I was set on listening to the outside world, so I never heard destiny and she got very mad about this.
**Back then -**I never listened to myself.
Trusting myself was something I could not do.
I needed everyone else’s opinion.
I needed other people to define who I was.
I could not sit down somewhere quiet and simply listen to the voice inside.
I was living a false life.
That’s why I felt so free when I got fired from my job.
It took many months of more bullshit and more trouble for me to finally open my eyes and see the truth.
The truth that I was doing the wrong thing.
The truth that I was living a false life.
Once I realised that – there was immediate peace.
I stopped running from who I truly was.
You see..
As I sat around the fire that night on my 21****st birthday – I was not Maverick Brenton.
I appeared to be him from the outside and everyone thought I was him because I still looked like him and spoke like him.
But…
I was not him.
I was someone else.
I was a combination of people actually.
I was living out the life of all the voices in my head, telling me who I am and how I should act and what I should do instead of listening to the one voice in my gut – the voice of destiny.
Destiny usually won’t force you to listen to her - unless there’s no other way.
You have to go somewhere quiet and you have to listen very carefully.
You have to forget the outside world.
You must strip away everything that is not YOU - so that you can hear only yourself.
But.
That’s not how I heard destiny.
No.
She grew so tired of my bullshit that she came out by herself and slapped me in the face..
My pain grew so bad that I finally cracked.
I decided to never allow another person’s opinion to determine who I would become and what I do.
Ever again.
Why?
Other people simply don’t know - they think they know but they don’t.
Destiny always knew who I was.
I just ignored her for a long time.
I listened to everyone else instead.
I got distracted.
When I was 18 years old – I knew my destiny.
For a short time..
I knew who I was.
I was living it out and I was loving my life.
But.
I got distracted.
Faster money.
An illusion.
I stopped being who I truly was and I became a shadow version of myself – I began living a false life.
When I finally listened to destiny it was not a moment of enlightenment where I suddenly had all the answers.
No.
It was just peace.
Why?
I finally reunited myself with myself.
I went back to being and doing MYSELF.
I listened to destiny.
She wanted me to write and become an entrepreneur so that is what I decided to do.
Nothing got easier when I made that decision - it all got harder to be honest.
Now I had work to do and I had a lot of work to do.
Important work - my work.
You see..
I used to feel depressed all the time.
I hated my life.
I used to spend my days acting - I was a professional ACTOR like many people.
I wore a mask.
I had to act because I was living out a false life and I was not my true character.
When you first start acting out your false life - you know you’re acting and it feels uncomfortable.
But.
Put on the act for long enough and you’ll forget that you are acting completely.
You will suddenly be unable to tell if you are acting or not acting – then you will be in trouble.
That’s what happened to me.
I could no longer tell if I was putting on an act or if I was being who I truly was.
There were signs though – my feelings.
I felt out of place all the time.
I never felt like I belonged because I never belonged in the first place.
So I felt bad, all the time.
I was tired, all the time.
I lacked purpose, all the time.
I was chasing the WRONG GOALS.
Never chase the wrong goals because if you spend your life chasing the wrong goals and you finally achieve them and realise that they are the wrong goals – you are in for one hell of a shock.
Looking back, I wonder to myself if it really was my ego that got me fired.
Or..
Was it destiny in disguise?
It’s a funny thing that – I think it was destiny.
I think I just told myself it was my ego but in reality it wasn’t - in reality it was destiny.
You see…
I was about to earn a few things I had been working towards for months – material things that would have kept me comfortable in my job and prevented me from ever leaving because they were nothing more than a trap.
Those material things would have created an image – an image that I would have fallen in love with.
I think that is what happens to a lot of people.
Comfort isn’t always a good thing.
I fucked everything up before that happened though.
I suddenly realised I was doing the wrong thing.
So..
I jumped ship with my life raft and started paddling towards my true calling in life.
Sure it’s scary and windy and there are many big storms.
But..
I like it out here in the ocean.
I’m free of that prison that was my false life.
My little raft does not move very fast.
Fighting the storms and the wind can be very hard.
But..
I know where I’m paddling to.
I know once I reach my destination there is going to be a boat.
Once I get in that boat my journey will be a little easier.
It will take courage and I will need to trust myself – but I could live my life no other way because I know what the opposite approach feels like.
Out here in the ocean, battling the wind and the rain and the sharks and the waves.
It’s just me out here.
There’s nobody else.
Nobody to tell me what direction to paddle in.
There’s none of that bullshit.
It’s just silence - the silence that I love.
All I can hear is my paddle whisking the water and my raft gliding over that water, very gently and very slowly – towards my destination.
I love it.
I really do.
When I was on the big ship - I had to fit in and pretend all the time.
But..
Out in the ocean, on my little raft – I don’t have to wear a mask and I’ll never wear a fucking mask again.
I’ll stay who I am and I won’t be boarding a ship that isn’t for me.
That cold night around the fire with my buddies and the warm whiskey and the cigars – I was still on that big ship.
I almost jumped off..
But..
I second guessed myself and I grabbed the railings just as I was going.
Only when the pain of pretending to be someone I was not, became unbearable – did I grab my raft and make a run for it, finally leaping over the side of the ship and down into the ocean.
There were plenty of other people on it that wished they had the balls to follow me.
I saw it in their eyes as I jumped.
Maybe they jumped too.
Maybe they didn’t.
I don’t know.
I’m just glad I went for it.
Until Next Time.
Filed under · Motivation
